Music, Pretend Games & Other Things

First of all, I've been listening to Daft Punk and Chromeo all day so all I want to do is dance, I'm currently jiving while writing this.
Secondly, is it not incredibly spectacularly amazing how much your life can change (for the better) within a matter of weeks?! And I know you're going, yes! yes Kayla, it is! My lifestyle has drastically changed in the last week, I blame this in part to WINTER BREAK and a few very amazing individuals. How does that saying go? "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone?" or was it "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone and on to bigger and better things and it makes you insanely jealous." I can't recall. If I could capture the last week of my life on video tape, most of you would probably not feel comfortable viewing it, because it would make you sad about how boring your week has been.
Laughing releases Endorphins. This causes people to be happy, chemically. This also makes you healthy. When I think about the last 8 months of my life and the time I spent NOT smiling or laughing I laugh about it. How silly to waste any part of life feeling any emotion but total bliss (except for insinuating circumstances).
Also over the course of the year, I lost touch with my best friend, Music. He's been in my life a lot more, lately. We're actually working on a few projects together, right now. I'm trying out for American Idol in the summer, also. I've decided it's time. I'm 21-years-old (and regardless of what anyone says, way past my prime, helloooo look at today's 18-year-olds!). Plus my voice is an equivalent to and angel bearing gifts of Oreos. Only my motives are completely different for wanting to show the world my voice than they were a few years ago.
I always wanted to be famous, shit who doesn't right? But, as I got older I realized how bad it must suck to be famous. See normal people go around life thinking someone loves them, you fall in love with your boyfriend/girlfriend and have total faith this person is crazy about you. People lie often, and it may so be that this person really does not love you. This sucks, tremendously. It hurts to be lied to, decieved, hurt, etc etc etc. But what I think would hurt worse is having that you consider your friends, having a significant other you're sure LUH-HUVS you, but when you're famous you always know it's not real, but you pretend because no one wants to be alone. You legitametly know, that these people do not give two shits about you as a person, but you go along with it, craving human connection and companionship.
The human mind, what a wassssteee.
I want to share my voice with people to make other people happy. Music, singing, playing makes me happier than anything in the world. If I can impact just one person's life with my music, my life has been VERY fulfilling.

A Clean Slate

I had so many posts on this blog from almost a year ago, I decided to delete them all and get a fresh start. I've never felt the need to write so much as I have the past week of my life, music and words. I've got a heavy heart, and my heads been spinning in circles the past few days. I'll save everyone the sob story and assume most of you know why.
While no one ever died of a broken heart, I now know exactly what it feels like for the first time in my life, making it evident why I never allow myself to become to emotionally attached to other human beings, in the first place. What do you get when you allow yourself to trust another human being? to allow them to love you and to allow yourself to love them? It's almost always consistently the same answer, from everyone, you wind up with nothing but a little piece of yourself missing and a lot of ground to cover.
Last week I was on top of the world, I was the king of my castle. I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted to do, accomplish what I had set out to accomplish and to see whomever I wanted to see. Today, I made probably one of the worst decisions I've made in my 21 years of life, and it set me back a few weeks. I cried. I cried that type of cry where you gasp for breath and your mascara runs, the kind where after you get done crying you look in the mirror and are terrified of yourself. Against everyone's better judgment, I went to face my fears because I thought I was over everything, and I was pathetically wrong.
A friend once told me, "you can't drag this bitch called hope around." and that made sense and I figured, why the hell should I?
a lot of other people told me other things, I deserve better, things will turn around, I have so much to be thankful for.
The truth is, I've been through things in my life that most people will never experience. Things that make finding out the love of your life is with someone else seem insignificant. The truth is, I may be one of the strongest people you'll ever meet, but the real truth is, I've never felt such a strong physical hurt from an emotional pain, in my whole life.
Another friend told me, "It is what it is", he told me that, a lot, actually. And as much as I hated every time he said that, I feel it's still the best advice I've gotten.
You can't change people,
to be honest I don't even think people can change if they want to.
People can mask who they are,
they can lie about their decisions,
they can hide behind their insecurities,
and they can drive you crazy.
but that's when I take into consideration that there are a million other people in the world,
they can make you laugh,
they can tell you you're beautiful when you look like shit,
they can tell you when something bothers them, even if it hurts your feelings,
and then can fill your entire life with love.

I've loved, I've lost.
The truth is, I will always love,
but life isn't about love, it's about living.
the truth is, I almost had my life taken away once. We all have, when you stop to think about it, it's about time we got busy livin'.
But the real truth is, I AM one of the strongest people you'll ever meet, join me for the ride or stay at home and do nothing, your choice.

Watch out for me in 2011, I have big things planned and a lot of fun to be had.